My Bittersweet F*cking Birthday

Another year has passed . . . and without failure I get the same question asked, “J why don’t you like celebrating your birthday?” For a long time I myself didn’t understand the anxiety I would get as the dreaded day came near. You see I love celebrating everyone else’s but the thought of my own makes me flipping cringe.

Everyone knows what birthdays are supposed to look like, right?

Feeling secure and happy that your life is on track and you’re right where you’re supposed to be. Enjoying drinks with friends or dinner with family or a special someone. Or maybe feeling fabulous in your own skin, enjoying how young, vibrant, and beautiful you feel! The day that’s just supposed to be about you and you alone!

So why is it on my birthday I find myself wanting to lay in bed all day with the covers over my head and phone turned off? Or with a pit in my stomach that can easily turn my smile into tears if provoked. Or maybe it’s having the biggest fucking pity party for myself that tops it off every year.

So, I have come up with my own analysis of why I am bat shit crazy. In this fast forward moving life where we seldom have time to think about us, where there are breakfvsts to be made, meetings to attend, kids homework to be done and marriages to work on. So what’s the one day of the year that you get to be reminded of you and only you? How much you have accomplished in life or haven’t. Where are you on your weight loss, or on your hair loss, or wrinkles? Has this been a better year in your marriage or are your kids on track, have YOU done enough as both a mother and a wife to make them value you on your special day? Have you reached your professional goals or are you currently in such a rut that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? What about your parents, grandparents? Every year that passes they are getting older as well. Will they be there for my next? You think of all the things you absolutely have zero control over and of all the things you wished you would have done differently. Then childhood memories creep in of all the many birthdays ruined. All the expectations that were not met.

Ugh, and although I would love to stay in my pity party all day, I am blessed with an amazing group of friends and family members that just won’t ever allow me to! My husband makes sure to remind me of why we are each others best friends and biggest supporters, my two wonderful kids wake me up in the morning with such smiles of excitement on their tiny faces and they can’t wait to give me my birthday card. My friends and family, against my will I must add, make it a point to celebrate me and although I always fight it, I am so grateful to all of them for never listening to me.

Yes I begin my birthday reflecting on all the bad that I mentioned earlier but towards the end of my day I reflect on all the love and support that I get from everyone in my life. I am reminded that although I am not where I want to be in my career, physically and in some parts of my personal life, I have still come a long way in my career, my body created and carried two beautiful and healthy babies and personally I am a bad bitch for it!

So if I had one wish for anyone relating to this article, it would be to take the bad with the good. Get rid of the expections. Live in the moment of what is great about you. Reflect on the parts that you aren’t happy with but treasure and love the many people who remind you of all the good that makes this life worth savoring and enjoying. This life will never be perfect. There will always be something you want to change or can’t have. Sulk, wine, cry it out but pick your self up. Let the love from your family and friends shine through and allow yourself to have a Happy Birthday!! At the end of the day I deserve it! You fucking deserve it!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *